Post-Conference Thoughts
October 7, 2007
After hearing sister Beck’s (General RS President) talk during today’s Sunday session, and reading her talk from the General Relief Society Conference, I couldn’t help but feel…unedified. Her talk today on mothers has actually offended many women, members and non-members alike (now I’m not going to reveal how I know this!), but my feelings come by way of feeling overlooked, rather than offense, anger, or resentment.
I give sister Beck credit for not mincing words and for emphasizing the importance of mothers being in the home with their children. Rather than being offended at the video clip of a mother doing housework with her son, or feeling inadequate because our FHE evenings don’t mimic the happy, reverent family in another clip, I found them to be cheesy and funny in the “yeah right” sort of way.
I did, however, find most of her talk to be outdated, as I do with most talks aimed towards us women of the church. We are constantly told what ideals we ought to strive towards; namely get our education, have children, raise them righteously, and do so by staying at home full-time. And they are exactly that; ideals. But being a mom in pricey Southern California, having been out of college a mere two years, these ideals just don’t fit, and each time I hear talks in this pattern, I can’t help but tune them out.
Realistically, so much more work and money is required to make it today, especially in California. Half the moms I know, both LDS and non-LDS work, whether it be full-time, part-time, working from home, babysitting, or whatever. With today’s economy, inflation, and expensive (though declining) housing market, supplemental income really is necessary for so many of us to survive, and this is where sister Beck’s talk fails.
Presenting “life” as she knows it in black-and-white, she says you’re either working so that you can attain material and worldly goods or you’re the best homemaker and mother by staying at home. By working outside the home, you “succumb” and “abandon” to “worldly models of parenting.” Yes, you can point out that perhaps she is talking to those that truly do seek after riches, expensive cars, and designer clothing, but what about us and other families in similar situations? I’m not asking the church to define my identity here, but just recognize that alternative ways of running a home are being practiced by many LDS families and that we need real support and encouragement instead of constantly being told the “oughts” and “shoulds.” Until then, I feel that talks like hers will continue to go in one ear and out the other.
What are your thoughts?
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Jenn,
You have some really great points. I know that I have to work to not be forced to go into debt. Most moms lds or not, would prefer to be the stay-at-home mom as describe by Sister Beck, but with today’s economy it seems difficult to obtain. Is it the material wants of society forcing us to succumb to the pressure of helping our husbands financially provide for the home, or are we to take a stand and defend the stay-at-home mom and not be sucked into working outside the home?
It is a battle. Everyday I leave the home to go to work I feel guilt. I think it would be good to educate women how to make money and be able to stay at home with the children.
Brother Hunsaker, the Institute director here always says something I love. He says, “I (and the church) teach the rule. If you feel you are an exception to the rule, that’s between you (your spouse) and Heavenly Father. But we don’t teach the exceptions.”
Everyone’s circumstances are different, but ultimately the choices your family makes is between you, Ryan, and Heavenly Father only. Not anyone else.
As long as you’re living your life in accordance to His will (whatever that may be) as best as you can, then that’s all that matters.
I agree with Lindy.
I was able to stay home most of my children’s younger years. Staying home with the children, was one of the greatest blessings Brad ever provided to me and our family. I think we went without some things, but we were blessed in other ways.
There was a similar talk back in the mid- to late 80’s that created similar discussions among women. I also remember different responses. One neighbor juggled their finances so the wife could quit working within a few months of the talk. I remember being impressed by their obedience. She started a home preschool. Financially, I think it ended up being better for them and she didn’t have to leave her children with babysitters anymore.
Jenn, I didn’t get to hear the entire talk (wrestling with kiddos) but I didn’t get an all or nothing feeling from her talk. One of the things I did hear was that she said something like, Women who know do not choose everything. That was really poignant for me. We don’t need to choose to work and bake cookies and be PTA pres. I also think that her talk had a lot to do with faith. Faith that if we choose what’s right the Lord will bless us. I also agree with Lindy. I loved her comment.
Well said Jenn. I feel quite similar, as I raise my 3 children in one of the most expensive places in the state, SLO, and work full-time at Caltrans because it pays our mortgage. I still feel that I am a good mom to my three little girls, and I devote all my time to them when I’m home – but it just means that I don’t devote all my (,imited)time at home to “homemaking”. This is just the way we have to do it!
Krista!! So glad to hear from you! How are you? I followed the link to your family pictures. You have such a beautiful family!
But as for sis Beck’s talk, yes, I found that her way of conflating washing windows and homemaking with being a good mom a little bothersome. At the same time, even the Savior himself has set the bar, requiring us to strive towards godliness. Sister Beck was probably trying to convey the same message, but in my opinion, just did it in a poor way.
Hey Jenn,
I’ve been admiring your blog and your websites with your art. You are such an amazing artist!!!! I really am impressed with your cards too. I also enjoy your writing, you express yourself so well.
congrats on the next little addition to your family. Are you due in Oct or Nov?
Kai is quite the little handsome boy. I’ll be curious to see how similar the next one looks to him, as you can tell, we’ve got a little variety in how our kids look, although Alani is tending to look a lot like Kawai so far.
The important thing to point out here is that we’re not talking about having 2 incomes in order to have new cars, or go on vacations, or have a nice home. We’re talking about paying the bills, having enough money for food, and trying to pay off our student loans. I think Jenn is just saying that she wishes Sister Beck understood that most areas of the country are more expensive to live in than Utah, and many people try to stay close to home in order to be near family. No General Authority has ever said that this should be sacrificed so that the wife can stay at home, meaning that there is obviously a middle ground that she doesn’t acknowledge.
[...] previous post, and go into greater detail as to why this was such a controversial talk for her. She wasn’t disagreeing with Sister Beck’s talk in any way. I wholeheartedly believe that the mother can and does set [...]